This moment

April 28, 2020
  • December 16, 2020
  • Living with Cancer Blog

By April Renn, wife and caregiver

Today I had another breakdown.

Me and the kids were Facetiming with my Mom and we were playing Operation with the kids.  My husband left so me and the kids could talk to Mom, and I think he was a bit tired.  When we were chatting, my four-year-old son was talking about how sick the guy was in the game and then said he looked like Daddy.  That was heartbreaking to me!

We have been talking a lot about why we have to stay home and about a bad cold going around when we talk about Covid.  I don’t want to not talk about it around the kids as I truly feel like it is going to happen again and how we react now will set a precedent for the future.  At the same time, it is a lot of illness that my 2 and 4 year old have already seen.

It breaks my heart but I know there is opportunity to be had from this.  I need to show my kids how to deal in a healthy, constructive way during times of stress.

I broke down in front of them.  I started bawling just thinking about what my sweet boy had said.  My husband looked at me, very concerned, and asked if I was ok.  I said no, still bawling.  He said, “look here Mom, all of us are in bed, cuddling, waiting for you.”

I looked at him and told him I needed 10 minutes.  I went outside and continued to cry.  Then I focused on my breathing and named what I was feeling.  For me, I think it is important to feel the feelings through their course, name them and let them go.  Tonight was sadness.  Sadness for my son, knowing what he already knows about people being sick.  Sadness for my husband when I think about how hard it must have been for him to hear his son say that.  Sadness for my daughter, completely oblivious but all knowing at the same time.  Sadness for me trying to keep everything going and always feeling like I’m not doing good enough.

I sat with the thoughts for a moment and then asked what I could do about it?  Nothing…  I have zero control over what has and is happening.  All I can do is try to make the most of each moment.  Realize that emotions have their place and need to be felt.  Go through the feelings and then just live!  Enjoy the little moments because the big picture is made up of all the little moments.

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3 Responses

  1. My dear friend, I also have good and bad days. It is so tough going through this at this time and just in any situation. I understand and it is by supporting each other and of course our wonderful people at Wellsprings that we will move forward. Please know that it is difficult and I am available to chat as a fellow lady who is experiencing the same.Hugs

  2. Thanks so very much for sharing this. It’s important that we let each other know that sometimes being strong means making space for sorrow, not denying it. I can’t imagine what it would be like to deal with a cancer diagnosis with young children. It was tough enough telling mine and they were grown-ups (loosely speaking!). Thanks again.

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